A word I’ve been almost obsessed with.
Part of my reason for moving home was to be near my doctor, and my mother. A lot of the last year I’ve been extremely depressed. I’m not sure who knew, but I only really broke down with close friends. I felt like I was losing myself, and wasn’t sure if it was worth working through. When I came home my doctor switched me to a low dose of a new drug, and it seemed to be okay. After a while I noticed that I never had any ups though, you know? Plenty (and I mean plenty) of downs and neutrals, but never ups. I got pretty good at faking happy, and I hated it.
I stopped taking my anti-depressants a few weeks ago now. I’m not sure it’s the right decision for me in the long run, but I’m positive it’s helping me now. I know how unsafe it is to stop taking a medication on my own instead of consulting my doctor… but I really believe that it’s my choice. Since I stopped taking them I’ve been genuinely cheerier, and more willing to see friends. I’m starting to feel better, and my libido has finally returned. I didn’t even notice it had gone, but it is definitely back. I’ve a renewed interest in dating too.
We’ll see how it is when I get into these changes I keep talking about. It still sounds hokey, hm. Mainly what I want to work on first is getting back into some semblance of fit. I’ve never been in great shape, but I currently weigh the most I ever have. Granted, I’m still a pretty normal size, but I don’t feel good about myself anymore. I’m back to high school where I’m constantly uncomfortable in my own skin. Part of the reason I gained was my living situation in Fredericton, and part was sheer laziness. But I’ll get more into that another time.
